me... who is that? the return

some have said that this blog does not allow people to understand me or know me on a personal level, so here it goes.

Within weeks I will be 27 years old. I don't like discussing my birthday. I am not a big fan of celebrating my birthday. I don't even tell people when my birthday is as an attempt to avoid anything that might occur. I will not mention what day my birthday is. It doesn't make me feel older but it does make me feel displeased with my accomplishments.

For the first time since my freshman year in college I am unemployed. Throughout my life, I have worked as an assistant to a maintenance man, a doughnut shop clerk, record store manager, production assistant for a TV documentary, fitness aid at a gym, and a sales clerk for a clothing store but my business card has me listed as super awesome guy. I used to love working. I really enjoyed being productive, having a schedule, making paper and feeling valuable to something or someone. My last two jobs have taught me the importance of working for good people, a good company and for good reason because otherwise you just get taken advantage of. I won't deny it, I'm a bit bitter.

Some suggest that I have not been happy with my recent labor because I am not doing what I love. I would love to write. I would love to write and make a living from it. I have recently entered writing competitions and was rejected. Before my rejection I had doubts about my abilities and now my doubts have ballooned like a wet sponge or perhaps like a balloon. I want to write movies. Like all writers, I don't think that I am pinned down to one style or genre. It's a bullshit claim we all like to subscribe to and promote. One day I hope to pay homage to the directors that have inspired me... Keaton, Chaplin, Godard, Truffaut, Cassavettes, Fellini and many more. I love the cinema and at one time it filled this empty mind with ideas, my directionless heart with motivation and my dull spirit with entertainment.

Am I an artist? I don't know. Am I writer? I cannot answer that either. Some suggest that one needs to have an audience to be a writer or an artist. Others suggest that an audience cannot validate my ambitions and dreams. I am fickle when determining which one of these notions is correct or fits me best. I do know this... I write because I love it. It is a relief. It might be the only thing I do with some ability and I am better at it now than I was ten years ago and hope to be better tomorrow than I am today.

I have been a bit down as of late but I am trying to make my way back to happiness. Death, failure and girls have been on my mind a lot of as late. Those are not necessarily synonymous with one another. I have never had anyone close to me die. I do not know what I would do if death came in the mail or knocked at my door. As of late everything effects me emotionally. My emotions have been on a roller coaster ride and I hate roller coasters.

Changing topic. I believe in moderation and balance. I am a libra and some suggest that as a cause. I don't know. I dismiss astrology but check it every now and then thinking it might give me a leg up on certain situations. I think balance is key to good government, good relationships, and even a good meal. I think trying to define yourself by one thing or one ideology is silly. Everyone has some good and some bad, and it is up to the individual to decide which path to follow. Am I saying this world is a grey one as opposed to a black and white one? It might be all three.

I am a liberal or a democrat. I hate political association. Political parties didn't work for George Washington and they don't work for me. I love history and feel more people should learn about the past. I strongly endorse the notion that you cannot know where you are going if you do not know where you have been. I believe that government belongs to the people, not one group of persons or even several different groups of people. Government belongs to everyone and should do its best to reflect and work for the people. In the end, we are all in this together.

All this might be a little vague but I have been accused of similar crimes. I do not let many get close but I am trying to correct the errors of my past. To be honest, reading my blog might be one of the best ways, if not the best way to understand how I think. I do fear being vulnerable to too many people and for that reason I try to keep my private life private. I don't always succeed.

Let me hit you with some basic facts to end this blog. I write but I am a horrible speller and proof reader. You can catch me several times a day, at the mall or at the gym playing air guitar. I hope to give my children absurd names as if I were a celebrity. I want to learn to tango dance. I recently started collecting post cards and beer brand coasters. Silence scares me. I love sitting on the passenger seat and looking out the window of a moving car. Curdle is my least favorite word. I believe in aliens, vampires and other possible monsters. I have never seen an alien, vampire or other possible monsters. I do not think you can ever have too much of a good thing. I think accents are overrated. Part one of this series was written in may and note to self - sequels are rarely as good as the original. It seems like nothing is made in America anymore and I hate that. I enjoy drinking out of mugs, pints and jars. I waste water to enjoy long and hot showers. I want to dress like Cary Grant. I believe in the power of the mixtape. I want a tattoo but don't know what. I wonder if there ever was a purpose for learning cursive. I think love or being in love can have mythical powers filled with lightning bolts, the ability to heal and defy gravity. And like you, I'm just trying to do the best I can with what I've got.